Michele Bachmann Warns Of Separation Between Adjectives And Reality

Yesterday on the CBS news show Face the Nation, U.S. Representative Michele Bachmann made a startling observation: “Prior to September of 2008, 100 percent of the private economy was private.” Her statement suggested that now, some percent of the private economy is not private, which would mean that there is a part of the private economy that is not part of the private economy.

It’s a disturbing suggestion that, if true, will bring the foundations of the English language crashing down. Before now, adjectives described the real world in a consistent, reliable way. Now it appears that adjectives may be separating themselves from reality, bending to create a sort of linguistic wormhole as an entryway into a realm of quantum logic, where the words of the everyday world no longer make sense. Professors of English will assemble in an emergency conference today to determine whether this linguistic doomsday is, as Bachmann indicates, already in progress.

“When I say that my coffee is coffee,” explained Dr. Ewan Fitzroy of the Royal Tautological Academy in the UK, “most people would think that I was wasting their time, saying something obvious. However, Michele Bachmann’s discovery indicates that there may be a sense in which my coffee is no longer reliably coffee. Prior to September 2008, it was coffee, but now, perhaps 20 percent of my coffee is lemonade, or even worse, carrot juice.”

Physicists at the Max Bohrd Institue believe that a dangerous rip has occurred in the space time continuum, created by the remarkable contortions of the fabric of reality performed by Representative Bachmann. “She has opened up a gaping rift into an alternative reality, which is now mixing into our world,” explained Institute President Boris Tadath. “We don’t know if we can stop the progress. Some have suggested using copies of Strunk and White or the Oxford English Dictionary to press down upon this tear in the Cosmos, but so far, all trials have been unsuccessful.”