After Obama was elected President, most people dismissed the Bill Ayers controversy, pointing out that President Obama’s policies in the White House appeared to be mainstream capitalist, without a hint of Communist radicalism… as if that proved anything.

Well, now, as you see here, there is proof that Bill Ayers and Barack Obama are still palling around – and working together to bring about the downfall of the United States of America as we know it. This photograph shows Bill Ayers attending a White House Cabinet meeting, sharing a good laugh with Comrade Presidente himself!

What most liberals don’t want to talk about is that the Barack Obama presidency is just part of a plan hatched by Bill Ayers back in 1969.

In the summer of 1969, instead of taking a shower and getting a job, Bill Ayers sat in the basement of the San Francisco Young Communists Commune and wrote a plan for achieving ultimate political domination. Part Three, Section 5, Subsection A, reads, “Throughout the first decade of the next century, I will insinuate myself into the company of Barack Obama, the Kenyan child whose brainwashing appointments are even now going according to plan. With the pre-embedded hypnotic cue ‘platinum rosebud’, I will reactivate his subconscious programming, and he will obey my every command. We will buy Obama the White House, using the Secret Communist Slush Fund I have established, in 2008. The first term in the Oval Office will appear to be normal, so as to lull the American people into complacence. However, in the first month of the second Obama term, we will institute the new Communist People’s Republic of America. We will quash any resistance by first confiscating all guns and Bibles, and then rolling out the Communist tanks now hidden in the Women’s Studies sections of used bookstores across the country. We will devastate the capitalist system with health care reform, and then, when our triumph is complete, I will be the power behind the throne! Only then will we openly drink the blood of the infants in public, as no patriots will remain with the capability of defeating my plan! And to think, none of it will be possible without the creation of public radio!”

Is it too late to stop the Ayers-Obama plan? Pray that it is not, Americans. Pray very, very hard. Pray until it hurts.

Then, attention quickly turned to Joe Ricketts, the man who created the Ending Spending Action Fund. Ricketts is an extremely wealthy man, so full of cash that he once decided to buy Wrigley Field because he wanted a new toy.

Americans have been asking themselves: If Joe Ricketts is really for ending spending, why doesn’t he end his own spending on extravagant luxuries for himself, and share some more of his wealth with people in need?

Quickly, free association flew out of control, and Americans were starting to make radical comments about how, in a just society, one person wouldn’t be able to turn the discussion about a presidential election simply by proposing an absurd and racist advertising idea.

Weren’t the all just missing the real story, though? The core question remained: Does Barack Obama think of himself as a metrosexual Abraham Lincoln?

Then, late in the day, the photograph emerged… the one you see here. It clearly shows Barack Obama posing as a metrosexual Abraham Lincoln.

Suddenly, the debate shifted. People started demanding to know how many other people in the Obama White House think that they are metrosexual Abraham Lincolns. Does Michelle Obama secretly think that she is goth Eleanor Roosevelt, and if so, what are the policy implications?

But then, just after midnight, a journalist from the Chicago Sun Times discovered that this photograph is not what it first appears to be. It does not depict Barack Obama posing as a metrosexual Abraham Lincoln after all. It actually is right wing pundit Ann Coulter, posing as a black, metrosexual Abraham Lincoln.

Once that was discovered, conversation quieted down. After all, that’s just the sort of thing we would expect Ann Coulter to do. No surprise there, and nothing left to talk about. Sigh.

The official explanation is that this picture is an abstract conceptualization of the amount of water that’s spread over the surface of the Earth, showing what it would look like if all the water was gathered into a single gigantic ball of water, placed on top of the American midwest.

Of course, this is a wide-angle view from far away. Close up, here’s what it would really look like if all the water on Earth was gathered into a single giant ball, placed where the NASA image has indicated.

Enquiring minds want to know: Why is NASA devoting its resources to planning for the sucking of all the water on our planet into a giant ball that will go rolling across the Great Plains into St. Louis? It’s almost as if all those government scientists know something that we don’t know…

…or are planning something. Watch this space for more updates… at least until the giant rolling ball of water reaches us.

Enrollment is limited to 25 participants, so hurry and sign up for this expensive opportunity now!

On the other hand, if you can’t afford to fly across the Atlantic Ocean to spend three days tending your dreams, don’t worry. The Irregular Times Foundation Of Light is holding its own dream tending workshops, starting tonight.

Dr. Rampo Steele Skyan, who holds a degree in neurophysics from an accredited holistic cryptozoological research institute, will lead members of workshop teams in hands-on exercises of dream tending. These include:

1. Dreamshoe throwing contest
2. Dream grooming
3. Dream trail rides, with BBQ cookout included
4. Mucking the dream stalls

Whereas Dr. Aizenstat’s dream tending classes are limited 25 participants, the Irregular Times dream tending workshops are limited to 10 participants, so you just know that they have to be better.

What’s more, unlike Aizenstat’s worshops, which are located in the boring old Switzerland of the physical plane of existence, Irregular Times dream tending seminars are held on the ZubZub beaches of the astral plane… for those who spiritually enlightened enough to follow the path. This evening, the earthly portal to the ZubZub beaches will be located in the Eastgate Shopping Plaza in Hoboken, at 8:00 PM. Be there now!

“Tuna linked to salmonella outbreak in 20 states”

“Tuna linked to salmonella outbreak”

“Sushi tuna linked to salmonella in 20 states”

Am I the only one who finds this fishy? How can tuna have salmonella? Shouldn’t they be calling it tunaella?

This cross-species fertilization smacks of salmon-on-tuna / man-on-dog action! It’s an attack against God’s plan to keep my marriage secure! It’s against my constitutional right to bare arms!

“If one takes but a moment to deconstruct contemporary American society…”

A moment – to deconstruct contemporary American society? Sigh. Maybe it’s the rain outside, but I don’t feel that I can take this sort of nonsense head on.

So, I’m announcing a contest. Let’s call it a Drivel Hunt. Find one sentence or phrase containing a particularly idiotic piece of pseudo-intellectualism, and post it as a comment here.

Then, we’ll take the entries and put them together into a poll, so that we can all vote on which is the worst piece of pseudo-intellectual drivel.

If your drivel wins, then you get, as a special prize… a deconstruction of contemporary American society, completed in under 60 seconds.

I mean, isn’t this a color-blind society? Isn’t all that discrimination business a 20th Century thing, all over and done with? Aren’t black people in America just whining while they take all the good jobs away from equally qualified whites?

No.

These are the results of Devah Pager’s audits — tests — in which pairs of auditors are sent out into the job market with fake resumes, backgrounds, references, and even strategies for presentation of self. The pairs of testers are made to be equally qualified in all ways. Only two characteristics differ: skin color and a line on the resume indicating a criminal record.

Figure 6 shows that in these audits, white applicants reporting a criminal record get a better response than black applicants without a criminal record — and remember, they’re made to be equally qualified for the job. People are getting upset about discrimination on the basis of race in America because it clearly still exists.

Pager’s research wasn’t done in the 1930s. It’s contemporary research carried out in our times. This is our problem.

To commemorate this rude assault on the human right to rest and recreation, some people have started to observe a new holiday: National Napping Day. In previous years, National Napping Day was announced for the day after the commencement of Daylight Savings Time, but this year, that day was on the weekend anyway, when time is more flexibly arranged. It’s today that people are being hit hard by the shift. So, I suspect that today is National Napping Day, but I’m not really sure. There was no official National Napping Day announcement this year. Apparently, the napping organizers were falling asleep at the helm.

The truth is that, as much as I admire the idea of National Napping Day, a day in which we agree to recognize the biological reality that our bodies often need a bit of sleep during the middle of the day, I won’t be napping. I have too much work to do, and too much at stake to risk falling behind.

The reality is that a holiday like National Napping Day is for the financial elites, for people who don’t have to work for a living, and spend their days engaged with intensive regimens of self-care. Our society looks down on napping. Do an online search for pictures of napping, and almost all of what you’ll see will be photographs of animals and pre-school children.

The rest of us, it seems, are working hard to comply with the admonishment: Don’t let them catch you napping! We get to sleep only when the boss says it’s okay.