Americans learned this morning that, while he was supposed to be turning around the war in Afghanistan, Marine Corps General John Allen was instead sending 30,000 pages of “potentially inappropriate” emails to Jill Kelley, the volunteer event planner at MacDill Air Force Base who was harassed by General David Petraeus’s “biographer”, Paula Broadwell. It’s difficult to understand how 30,000 pages of information can be judged to be “potentially inappropriate”, or how anyone who is administering an entire war could find the time to write and read 30,000 pages of emails to a personal acquaintance.
In order to get to the bottom of these mysteries, we at Irregular Times have used our inside sources to obtain an excerpt of the 30,000 pages of material exchanged between General Allen and Jill Kelley. The excerpt shows just how Kelley and the Marine Corps general filled up 30,000 pages:
From: kelleybelley@hotmail.com
To: generalmischief19@yahoo.com
Subject: Pooty
Hi Pooty.
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From: generalmischief19@yahoo.com
To: kelleybelley@hotmail.com
Subject: Hi.
Hi.
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From: kelleybelley@hotmail.com
To: generalmischief19@yahoo.com
Subject: ?
Watcha doin?
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From: generalmischief19@yahoo.com
To: kelleybelley@hotmail.com
Subject: Busy
Playin Angry Birds. Level 17.
U?
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From: kelleybelley@hotmail.com
To: generalmischief19@yahoo.com
Subject: Last night
Remember the promise you made me outside the Turquoise Macaw Club?
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From: generalmischief19@yahoo.com
To: kelleybelley@hotmail.com
Subject: Yes
Yes.
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From: kelleybelley@hotmail.com
To: generalmischief19@yahoo.com
Subject: Well...
Don't tell Petraeus. He thinks the poodle is special just between him and me.
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From: generalmischief19@yahoo.com
To: kelleybelley@hotmail.com
Subject: OK
OK
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From: kelleybelley@hotmail.com
To: generalmischief19@yahoo.com
Subject: Tonight
Do you have that pair of "lawn shears" I let you borrow? Make sure to clean them, allright?
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From: generalmischief19@yahoo.com
To: kelleybelley@hotmail.com
Subject: SORRY
LEFT THEM IN THE BACK OF THE TAXI. THINK I'M GOING TO TAKE TODAY OFF. TIRED.
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From: kelleybelley@hotmail.com
To: generalmischief19@yahoo.com
Subject: Yawn
Mee too. Purrrrrrr....
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From: generalmischief19@yahoo.com
To: kelleybelley@hotmail.com
Subject: AFUCKEDUPSTAN
DAMN JUST GOT MESSAGE THAT WHITE HOUSE WANTS A NEW "PLAN". GOTTA THROW SOMETHING TOGETHER. DRONE STRATEGY FOLDER OVER AT YOUR PLACE.
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From: kelleybelley@hotmail.com
To: generalmischief19@yahoo.com
Subject: Hey
Yeah, but like could you stop yelling at me? I deserve more respect.
I can't get them to you today - have another "event".
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From: generalmischief19@yahoo.com
To: kelleybelley@hotmail.com
Subject: WHAT?
WHAT?
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From: kelleybelley@hotmail.com
To: generalmischief19@yahoo.com
Subject: All Caps
All caps is yelling, Pooty.
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From: generalmischief19@yahoo.com
To: kelleybelley@hotmail.com
Subject: WHAT?
WHAT?
In related news, an FBI agent who was supposed to be investigating the love triangle between David Petraeus, Paula Broadwell and Jill Kelley has been taken off the case, after it was discovered that he took photographs of himself standing around without his shirt on, and emailed those photographs to Jill Kelley. “Just the facts, ma’am.”
Given the discovery that the leaders of the military and federal intelligence agencies are spending most of their time having sexual affairs and writing about it in long emails, I make the following proposal: In order to deal with the growing federal budget deficit, Congress should dissolve the Department of Defense, Department of Homeland Security, CIA and FBI. Using 1 percent of the former budgets of these government bodies, Congress should establish a new Department of Getting It On, with a hotel and Internet cafe in Washington D.C. for military veterans and former government spies, where they can get their rocks off without having to send soldiers off into battle or establish electronic surveillance networks as a cover for their “potentially inappropriate” activities.