Krampus Challenges Vlad The Impaler To Presidential Fiend Primary Election

May 24th, 2012 | Posted by F. G. Fitzer in Election 2012 - (0 Comments)

Yesterday, vampire lord Vlad the Impaler announced his intention to campaign for President of the United States in 2012. Some observers wondered whether such a candidacy could have a point. Then, the Transylvanian Count flashed his fangs, and there was no more question of where the point was.

demonic presidential candidateCertainly, Krampus understands the point of Vlad the Impaler’s presidential campaign. The spirit of Yuletide mischief is taking Count Dracula’s challenge quite seriously, and has brought in a team of lawyers in an attempt to disable the vampiric campaign before it begins.

The Krampus for President legal team has identified a little-known constitutional requirement to thwart the Impaler 2012 campaign. Section 3 of the 23rd amendment to the Constitution states that “No more than one non-human fiend may be on the final ballot for any public office. Whenever more than one non-human fiend is campaigning for public office, all non-human fiend candidates shall be considered to belong to the same political party, and must compete against each other for the right to represent that party in the general election.”

The Krampus 2012 campaign is betting that, in a fiend primary, Vlad the Impaler would be at a disadvantage, given his inability to campaign during daylight hours.

Vlad the Impaler contests his legal status as a non-human fiend, given that, although he is now an undead creature of the night, he was born a human being. Both Krampus and Vlad the Impaler are expected to appear in the 6th Circuit Court tomorrow, where the legal status of Vlad the Impaler will be decided.

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Vlad The Impaler for President 2012

May 23rd, 2012 | Posted by F. G. Fitzer in Election 2012 | Homeland Insecurity - (5 Comments)

For the past three presidential terms, the United States has been moving away from constitutional freedoms, and toward the status of just another security state. If that’s the choice that Americans really want to make, I suppose that we have to go along with the democratic process. However, if we’re going to go for totalitarianism in the USA, I say that we ought to go whole hog.

vampire presidential candidate 2012If we’re doing the Homeland Security thing, we need a leader who will do whatever it takes to protect the homeland – including lining up America’s impaled enemies on stakes outside the White House, and drinking the hot blood of terrorists with their hearts still beating in their chests. Homeland America needs Vlad the Impaler for President in 2012!

Vlad beat the Muslims hundreds of years ago, and sure, he employed some unorthodox methods, but they didn’t call him “dragon” for nothing!

Vlad the Impaler is the only true outsider in the 2012 presidential race. Prince Dracul is not from Washington D.C. He’s not from America. Heck, he’s not even from the pre-Industrial era. Since his transformation, the Transylvanian Tyrant isn’t even human.

Vlad the Impaler is the only presidential candidate who can help Americans get beyond the tired old divisions that keep the living and the dead separated. He has his own wealth, of old Roman gold coins and of centuries worth of blood, so he won’t be accountable to any special interests… other than the ones he has himself.

Maybe it’s not too late for Count Dracula to run for President using the Americans Elect system. An undead political party would be a perfect match for an undead presidential candidate, don’t you think?

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