The Ribald Reign of King George the Second

Letters from the IRS we'd like to See

Now that George W. Bush's multi-trillion dollar tax cut has been rammed through Congress, those of us who pay taxes have been sent letters telling us how much money we're going to be refunded. Do you think we here at The Ribald Reign of King George the Second were surprised to see $34 million spent on partisan boosterism? No, but we sure were pissed.

But hey, now, perhaps we were hasty in our irksome reaction. It could be the morning of opportunity in America! After all, if IRS publications can be hijacked by GOP operatives, why couldn't we hijack them right back?

...Well, other than because the GOP stole the election and runs the executive branch.

...And that we wouldn't do it because we have standards.

...Well, OK, it ain't gonna happen. But what if those IRS letters didn't just reflect the Bush line? What if they reflected some other vision? What kind of letters might we see? What kind of letters would we like to see?

Through the astounding power of Internet Majick, we've fired up the imagination-indignation machine and generated those very letters. Following the real McDubya, read the impostors below.

Actual letter from the IRS
Opportunity Costs
Opportunity Knocks
You May Have Already Lost $34 Million
Go Ahead, Gloat

Actual letter from the IRS

Opportunity Costs

Notice of Status and Public Costs of Immediate Tax Relief

Dear Taxpayer:

We are pleased to inform you that the United States Congress passed and President George W. Bush signed into law the Economic Growth and Tax Relief Reconciliation Act of 2001, which provides long-term tax relief in 2001 and long-term tax relief for the years to come.

As part of the immediate tax relief, you will be receiving a check in the amount of $600.00 during the week of 08/06/2001.

These funds, if retained for public use, could have purchased one of the following:

  • 12 new (or 18 used) algebra textbooks for an underfunded high school
  • 2 months of health insurance for a healthy 35 year-old
  • 1 month of day care for a minimum-wage worker
  • a 3% raise for a public school teacher
  • 20 typhoid vaccinations
  • 4 months of nutritional meals to one of the 10 million people who go hungry in the United States

In total, we'll be sending out $39 Billion in bonus checks, mostly to people who already earn over $50,000 a year. If we had decided to retain that $39 Billion for public use, we could have secured one of the following:

  • Absolutely free tuition, fees, books, supplies, housing and meals at a public university for each and every one of the four million 18 year-olds in the country (Oh yeah, a free 800 MHz computer, too)
  • A full year of nutritional meals to every one of the 10 million people who go hungry in the United States (With the money left over afterward, we could throw in half a year of medical insurance)
  • A free 800 MHz computer to every school-age child in the United States
  • Free medical treatment (including prescription drugs) for all HIV-postitive people in the nation
  • A $14,000 raise for every public school teacher in the United States
  • 780,000 additional public school teachers on the job with an annual salary of $50,000
  • A 5-fold increase in the amount we spend on medical research
  • An 20-fold increase in the budget of the National Science Foundation
  • 4 manned missions to Mars
  • A free Honda Accord for everyone aged 18-75 in the state of Oklahoma

...but we decided it wasn't worth it. So hey, enjoy your new lawn mower.

Opportunity Knocks

Recommendation on Forwarding Tax Rebates

Dear Taxpayer:

We are pleased to inform you that the United States Congress passed and President George W. Bush signed into law a series of sweeping tax cuts. Already, the Republicans are talking about cutting into Medicare and Social Security services because there's not enough money left in the budget.

As part of the immediate tax relief, you will be receiving a check in the amount of $600.00 during the week of 08/06/2001.

This amount is well below the contribution limit of $20,000 an individual may give to a party committee. You may be interested to know that the Democratic Party is currently mounting a "Take Back The House Campaign." Visit takebackthehouse.com to contribute a portion of your rebate to this effort.

If you find the Democratic Party disagreeable, you may be interested to know that the Green Party and Natural Law Party are also accepting donations.

You May Have Already Lost $34 Million

Notice of Cost of This Notice

Dear Taxpayer:

We just wanted to write a quick note to let you know that you'll be getting a check in the mail in the amount of $600.00 during the week of 08/06/2001.

Well, maybe that isn't exactly right. It turns out that a lot of our notifications are mistaken. Whoopsie! If that's the case, we'll send you another letter with the right amount.

All told, it has cost $34 Million just to send out notices like this.

If we had just nixed the notices and simply sent out the rebate checks, we could have spent that money to do one of the following:

  • Pay the tuition of every student at South Dakota State University
  • Start a scholarship fund that could award 14 full 4-year scholarships to Harvard in its first year - with plenty of interest left over to fund its own endowment
  • Buy a nice, upscale sandwich for each of the 10 million Americans who go hungry
  • Pay the full cost of 300,000 childrens' immunizations, including boosters in the teenage years
  • Pay the admission cost for a day at Disneyland for 790,000 people.

We just thought you'd like to know.

Go Ahead, Gloat

Notice of Comparison to Others on Tax Relief

Dear Taxpayer:

We are pleased to inform you that the United States Congress passed and President George W. Bush signed into law the Economic Growth and Tax Relief Reconciliation Act of 2001, which provides long-term tax relief in 2001 and long-term tax relief for the years to come.

As part of the immediate tax relief, you will be receiving a check in the amount of $600.00 during the week of 08/06/2001.

You lucky dog! It may make your reward sweeter to know that 51 million low-income taxpayers won't get the full rebate you got. Of those, 34 million taxpayers won't get a dime.

So stick your head out the window and shout "Nanny, nanny, boo, boo!" Chances are that a no-luck no-rebater will hear your taunt. Go ahead - those poor saps are used to disappointment.

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