IRREGULAR TIMESJesus Returns from the Dead, Smashes Patagonia!

He's got the whole world in his hands, they say. Now the truth of this old campfire song is confirmed. Jesus has risen from the dead, and has the entire world in his grasp, as confirmed by a photograph taken from the International Space Station, seen below.

jesus christ statue messiah"Jesus rose from the dead behind the Moon, and then he came straight for us," said Igor Toskrachanich, a cosmonaut on the space station. "At first I thought he was some kind of lumpy asteroid, but then my colleagues pointed out his sandals, and I said, 'Hey, that's Jesus!' We don't see a lot of celebrities up here."

Jesus orbited the Earth three times, but then came to rest below the South Pole and quickly grabbed the globe by the Southern Hemisphere. Biblical scholars were at a loss to explain how Jesus has grown to be several times the size of the Earth since he was last seen.

"The Bible says nothing about Jesus being so big," explains theologian Phil Eagram. "However, Biblical archaeologists have recently unearthed a 2,000 year-old giant hangnail near the shore of the Jordan River. Also, this would explain how Jesus could have pushed the stone away from his tomb. I mean, just look at the guy!"

The Reverend Jerry Falwell insists that the giant prophet who has palmed the Earth is not Jesus. "The Scriptures say that Jesus would return from the dead in Israel, and mention nothing about South America," Falwell said at a hastily prepared press conference. "This is an impostor, a false prophet! Not only that, I think he's a homosexual. Do you see the way he holds his pinky finger?"

The religious repercussions of the dramatic return of Jesus to the world scene were, however, quickly overwhelmed by humanitarian disasters all around the southern half of the globe.

The United Nations Special Committee on Giant Reincarnated Spiritual Leaders reports that Argentina appears to have been completely flattened by the ring finger of Jesus. The messiah's index finger has come to rest in the middle of the South Pacific, sending gigantic tsunamis hurtling towards Australia and Indonesia.

"If Jesus gets an itch on the back of his hand," speculated Ben Dicostal, chair of the special committee, "we could lose the Amazon rain forest forever."

Ecologists worry about the long term impacts of the dramatic return of Jesus. They report that the ice caps of Antarctica are melting under the savior's gigantic sweaty palms, and speculate that a dramatic rise in sea levels and an acceleration in global warming are likely to result.

"He can turn water into wine," observed Lars Sturlson, Sweden's leading Antarctic researcher, "but can he restore the once-diverse ecosystem of Antarctica's thriving coastal waters? No, I don't think so! He better have some damn fine parables to tell this time around, or he'll wear out his welcome pretty soon."

So far, Jesus has had nothing to say, but has restricted himself to crushing continents and looking beatific. Much of the world has resigned itself to watching and waiting, but John Ashcroft has suggested that the Department of Homeland Security will be investigating Jesus, with an eye to a possible military tribunal later in the year.

The Bush Administration has classified Jesus as an "enemy combatant" who can be detained indefinitely without restriction by the United States Constitution or the Geneva Convention. "You're either with us, or you're against us," said George W. Bush in an address to the nation last night. "So far, we don't know where Jesus stands on international terrorism, but we don't have the time to wait around for evidence."

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