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Irregular Times: Friday with LAWNY

Note: On Friday, November 14, 2003, a certain person who only identified her or himself as SLMLAWNYC wrote Irregular Times a note using the submission e-mail box for essays. We struck up a conversation that was so special I'd like you to share in the glow. Read on, fair reader.

-Theo

You left wing idiots sicken me and many other like mindeed people. Unfortunately for you, Bush will be re-elected in a landslide. Protest all you want; better still, get real jobs and stop sponging off the taxpayers' money (or Daddy's).

SLMLAWNYC

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SLMLAWNYC,

Thanks for your kind thoughts. It may interest you to know that all the contributors to Irregular Times have full-time jobs.

Cheers,

Theo

p.s. You misspelled "minded", and usually "left wing" is hyphenated. Have a nice day!

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Thank you for mindless comments. I know how to spell, thank you very much. I also trust I am far mored educated than you and your band of malcontents. I think you lefties are a bunch of misguided fools who are actively seeking to ruin our country and undermine cherished values. You have perfected the art of character assassination. It is time for me and other like minded individuals, who do not espouse your malignant views, to repsond and expose you for the scum you are. The culture wars continue to rage and history will show you to be on the losing side.

P.S. Is a "real job" one which entails "community service" or state employement (a/k/a sucking on the taxpayers' tit)?

SLMLAWNYC

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SLMLAWNYC,

Thanks for sharing more of your kind words. Your correspondence goes a long way to dismissing the notion that conservatives are meanies. My mommy always told me that asking about others' educational attainment was kind of rude, but since you've opened the Pandora's box of "character assassination" with your "mored education" comment, I suppose I should point out that I am a PhD. However, I'm sure (scum that I am) that my PhD is a really scummy PhD.

Gosh, it's really fun playing the progression of assumptions game, isn't it? If a liberal isn't out of work and collecting a check from daddy, it must be that he's a government worker sucking at the public "teat." I like "teat" so much better than "tit." It's much more fun to say: tit, tit, tit, teat, teat, teat. Try it! You may be interested to know that all contributors to Irregular Times have private-sector jobs.

Rather than make an assumption, I'll ask: does the middle of SLMLAWNYC refer to "LAW"? What sort of teat are you sucking at?

Corresponding with conservatives is so much fun! I'm looking forward to your next linguistic catapult. Raise the barriers! Storm the barricades!

Cheers,

Theo

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Of course you have a Ph.D. You are an egghead, just like the rest of your fellow travelers. For your information, I am self made and an intellectual. Yes, I am also a lawyer, but I do not engage in the type of abusive practices lefties are notorious for. The bottom line is that your conduct verges on the traitorous, as does that of much of the left. Simply cannot get over the 2000 election. Well, it is about time you did. Bush will be re-eleected, your foolishness notwithstanding. I also submit that the Republicans will gain seats in both the House and Senate. Your efforts are certain to faciliate that. For that, I should be grateful. By the by, the notion that conservatives are "mean" is entirely simplistic and untrue. Unlike liberals, conservatives genuinely seek to assist and enable ordinary people to help themselves. You would rather tell them how to live and pereptuate the culture of victimology. In that sense, then, I am far more liberal and fair then you will ever be. Good luck in P.C. land.

SLMLAWNYC

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LAWNY (may I call you LAWNY?),

I really have got to thank you for a rip-roaring good time. What fun it is to ride the ever-shifting waves of your indignation. Thanks for letting me learn more about myself. First, I was an unemployed daddy-exploiter. Then I was a public employee. Then I was not as educated as you. Now I am an over-educated egghead.

Let's let bygones be bygones about the first three there, since they weren't true. But I have to say you've hit it on the head with the "egghead" bit -- my head has always been a bit thick and misshapen around the temples, which really makes it hard to wear a hat. A shame, really; I'd like to think a fedora would complement my eyebrows, but I'll never know.

Oh, right, then there's the bit about living in P.C. land. You got it right, I'm on a P.C.. My brother prefers Macs. Oh, my wife says perhaps you mean "politically correct" -- you know, the kind of thing where people assert that saying the wrong thing is a punishable offense or something. Please do me a favor and let me know exactly where on irregulartimes.com we've suggested that someone be punished just for saying something. Not ridiculed, mind you, but actually punished for speaking their mind. I just can't find it and I'm sure that you've been extra careful not to just toss that ol' "P.C." label about!

Hey, speaking of punishable offenses for just saying stuff and all, LAWNY, I thought maybe I could get a bit of legal advice. Now I can't pay for it and all, but considering that I don't have a lawyer myself, you're the closest thing I've got. You say that by using my speech on Irregular Times I'm verging on treason. Well, land's sakes! I certainly don't want to get arrested for treason, now do I? I mean, hey, you're the expert and everything on the law, but I hear there's a death penalty or something associated with treason. I like my neck very much and am not keen on having it stretched or broken or anything on the gallows (really wouldn't go with my big ol' egghead, don't you know). So I need your help. Please, oh, please, before the cops come and knock down my door and take me away, let me know exactly what portion of irregulartimes.com verges on treason. I must reform my ways, and mighty quick!

Your legal opinion about my verging and all has me worried about consequences beyond myself. Silly lefty fellow-travelling tendency, that worrying. Or is it "hand-wringing?" Well, at any rate, I suspect that you're referring in your expert legal opinion to Iraq and George W. Bush. I say this because a lot of people have been giving me their legal opinions about my verging and all, and usually it's verging on treason (never jaywalking, I've noticed), and usually due to something about Iraq and George W. Bush. Maybe this is the pro bono work that you lawyer types are supposed to do occasionally. Thanks so much! But I have to complain about the diligence of your fellow lawyers who visit irregulartimes.com. They never get down to the legal code nitty gritty about treason and all, letting me know what my specific offense is. Maybe they're saving it for the grand jury! Horrors!

Well, to get back to the point, I notice that in the latest CBS news poll, 51% of Americans say the war with Iraq was NOT "worth the loss of American life and other costs of attacking Iraq." That's not exactly my position, but I worry that it's close enough for the majority of Americans to be verging on treason. Shocking! What, in your professional legal opinion, will the consequence of this massive burst of treason be? After everyone is arrested, where will they be put? The prisons just aren't big enough. Who will mow their lawns? Will their grass grow long and seedy, making the remainder of non-treasonous America sneeze unnecessarily? Who will make the car payments? Help me understand. I'm afraid that in my egg-headed PC under-educated over-educated full-time non-working welfare-slob private sector government employee state, I'm just all atwitter and am in over my head. I need you to rescue me.

But my, how rude of me. We've been talking so much about me, me, me and my "needs." See, you're right! I'm just focusing on myself as a victim (you're right, victimology!) of the impending legal doom I seem to be facing. Treason, schmeason, we've forgotten you! My apologies. As a lawyer, whose teat do you suckle from? Sorry, LAWNY, but you used such evocative imagery that I've just got to stick with it. What kind of law do you practice? Whose milky emissions do you imbibe? You can't be a "self-made" lawyer, right? I mean, lawyers represent people and corporate entities and estates and states and stuff, right? So c'mon, share!

Come and get me, LAWNYkins,

Theo

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You should be so lucky. Stop wasting my time with absurdities.

SLMLAWNYC

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LAWNYkins,

Absurd? Oh, darn. Now I'm "absurd." No, that's not a mean thing to say at all. You've just opened my eyes to my absurdity -- a bit. But you haven't told me exactly what I've said that's absurd. Again, I need your help (hey, takes a village). You'll have to help me out here (it takes a village, don't you know). Which of the following is absurd?

1) Your progression of mistaken assumptions about what a liberal is.

2) Your failure to explain just what about irregulartimes.com merits a label of "P.C."

3) Your use of the epithet "P.C." to refer to me while you say I'm verging on treason.

4) Your failure to explain just what about my behavior is verging on treason (although, since you've only encountered my speech, must have something to do with my speech).

5) The apparently indiscriminate and as yet unsubstantiated use of legal accusations by a lawyer of all people.

6) Your unwillingness to share any details about your teats, even while you make mistaken assumptions about mine.

Or is it something else that's absurd? I still need your help. I am a wee lost verging foolish absurd liberal lamby lost in the woods who needs to be shown the way. You seemed eager to instruct me in my error before. Why won't you instruct me now?

Have a sunshiny day,

Theo

P.S. Come on, I know you're an eager beaver! After all, you wrote "It is time for me and other like minded individuals, who do not espouse your malignant views, to repsond and expose you for the scum you are."

So repsond! Repsond! Expose me for the scum I am!

Toodles,

Theo

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Evidently, you have too much time on your hands. That is why you teach, or, more aplty, propogandize. Why not use it to communciate with someone who cares about your malignant agenda and nonsensical politics? Though I do not know you, I have no respect for you, your ideas, or your fellow travelers. I simply wish you would all fade away. Why not give Clinton a call?? Billy that is ... maybe you'll get a cigar too

You stupid maggot. Get a life. Go protest something!! There must be a cause for you to espouse. How about gay marriage? A peace rally in support of deposed dictators? You lefties are all talk and no action. Why is it that we you are confronted on the street by the likes of me you back down like wimps??? Cannot take the heat, huh; rather, too cowardly to stand up for what you believe in. Boo boos hurt, after all SLMLAWNYC

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LAWNY,

Wow, you're so right. I am such a loser! And you, on the other hand, have continued to show me that conservatives really aren't mean people after all! You are such a kind, generous, thoughtful person to help point out my weaknesses like this. Well, you go on and have a nice day too!

Oh, wait. Before you go, could you (I know, pesky things, these details) help me by clarifying some aspects of the constructive criticism you've offered so far? The list is unfortunately accumulating. I know, you're letting the suspense build so you can explain everything in a blinding burst of reason, right? You're just waiting for the best moment to repsond, exposing me for the scum I am, right? Well, let that moment be now. Please help me, a lowly scum egghead lefty cowardly wimp verging traitor, emerge from my villany. Help this "maggot" turn into a beautiful conservative butterfly!

I really need you to answer these questions in order for me to proceed down the path to your holy truth:

1) Do all we liberals get checks from our daddies? If so, how can I get my daddy to start sending me one?

2) What about irregulartimes.com merits a label of "P.C."?

3) When you say I'm verging on treason, how is that not a "P.C." tactic? I'm sure the answer is out there, really really out there. So repsond! Explain it all to me!

4) What about irregulartimes.com is verging on treason? Repsond! Let me know, so I may mend my ways before the police get me. Maybe when I understand I can even turn myself in to the authorities!

5) What sort of teat do you suckle from? What kind of work do you do, and who are you dependent upon?

6) How would I go about "fading away"? Should I wear progressively lighter colors and paler face paint every day?

7) What does Bill Clinton have to do with any of this?

8) Propaganda (see, no second "o") is defined by Merriam-Webster as "ideas, facts, or allegations spread deliberately to further one's cause." So what's the problem with propaganda, unless it's not factual? That must be it. Can you find some falsehoods at irregulartimes.com that I could correct?

LAWNY, I must admit I am kind of hurt by your reticence in answering these questions. It pains my lime-green cable-knit sweater loser maggot faggot (wait, no, I'm married. Well, I am a liberal. I guess must be a faggot in denial) heart that you think I'm not trying to respond to your very very helpful comments! I'm trying SOOOOO HARD! I WANT to change! I WANT to be just like you! But you have to show me the road, LAWNY, because (OK, I admit it) being a stupid maggot liberal I just don't understand unless you spell these things out for me.

The problem is, LAWNY, that my "fellow travellers" are giving me a hard time. They're posting your e-mails on Irregular Times for the whole world to see and they're making fun of you, right now. They're saying that you can't hack it and that's why you're not clarifying your statements. They say you're just full of bile. Isn't that just tacky? I mean, I'm sure you're full of blood and spit, too. And phlegm. Another fun word to say: try it!

We've got to show them, LAWNY. I know you've been holding back because it's just too easy for you, but ditch that humility, fellow citizen, and show me my comeuppance. Repsond!

Have a very very good day!

Cheers,

Theo

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You really have far too much time on your hand. Put it simply: you and the rest of your left wing pals are a bunch of misguided, malignant narcissists. You truly are lacking in sense and, as with our disgraced ex-President, have serious problems with truth. Not everything is relative. Sorry your Dadddy does not send you money; but, after all, you are supposed to be an adult. If you have a Ph.D., as you allege, you would only be unemployed if you were a conservative ... or a complete loser. I know how receptive the campuses are to diversity of thought! Give it a rest; better still, give me an address so that I can visit you and "share" more fully my feelings.

SLMLAWNYC

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POST AWAY.

SLMLAWNYC

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SLMLAWNYC,

Oooh, is that a threat? Are you going to beat me up? Really, honestly, truly? My nasty liberal friends say they want to come with cameras so you can get arrested after they record the evidence, but I know you really just want to knock some sense into me with your fist. How helpful to me! And how helpful to your cause: I mean, after everyone reads about another conservative threatening to beat up a pesky liberal, I bet they won't subscribe to the unfair stereotype of conservatives as bullies any more. No sir! You are NOT a meanie!

Looking back, I notice that you made reference to physically "confronting" other liberal maggot wimps on the street. Is this your usual approach to discourse?

Seriously, SLMLAWNYC, I would have thought that for a lawyer to threaten physical harm to another person was professionally unethical and stuff. Be careful, my friend! Someone might arrest you too, or even look you up on and stuff and give you a hard time. Hey, look on the bright side: you can share a cell with me while I'm awaiting trial for treason! I bet we'd get along just peachily.

I would love to give it a rest, my new pal, but I just can't until I get some actual answers from you. You've reiterated the broad claim that I "have serious problems with truth," and you made another reference to Clinton for some bizarre reason, but in the end you're just like all the others who have entered my life. Just like all the others! Sob. You woo me, you compliment me, you give me constructive criticism, but do you follow through with substantiation? Nope! Well, I never. I'm tempted to get a bit miffed. It's hard waiting for answers to questions.

I know! It must be that some technohacker magically snipped those questions right out of the message. Oh, evil technohacker! So let me restate them for you, and I'm sure you'll answer them right away. After all, you ARE good and I AM evil, right? It must be so easy for you to just answer the questions. Right, so here they are, plus a few more:

1) Do all we liberals get checks from our daddies? If so, how can I get my daddy to start sending me one?

2) What about irregulartimes.com merits a label of "P.C."?

3) When you say I'm verging on treason, how is that not a "P.C." tactic? I'm sure the answer is out there, really really out there. So repsond! Explain it all to me!

4) What about irregulartimes.com is verging on treason? Repsond! Let me know, so I may mend my ways before the police get me. Maybe when I understand I can even turn myself in to the authorities!

5) What sort of teat do you suckle from? What kind of work do you do, and who are you dependent upon?

6) How would I go about "fading away"? Should I wear progressively lighter colors and paler face paint every day? What if I walk in front of a dark surface, then? Do I need to change my clothes at night to solve this problem and keep fading?

7) What does Bill Clinton have to do with any of this?

8) You say that I "have serious problems with truth." Help me. Can you find some actual falsehoods at irregulartimes.com that I could correct?

9) What is it about threatening to beat people up that satisfies you? Is this kind of approach related to your politics?

You may want to beat me up, but I just want you to wish you an extra-SMURFY day!

Smooches,

Theo

P.S. I think you're a bully, and I never let bullies intimidate me. I live at [address supplied by e-mail to the bully, since clearly he is just a blowhard]. So now you have the power to come down and beat the shit out of me. Big fucking deal. I also have a four year-old son. He's kind of liberal himself, at least for a four year-old. Are you going to beat him up, too? Would you like to beat up my wife? She's four months pregnant. I bet that would be satisfying. Keep in mind that since I'd rather you not beat me, my son, or my wife up, you're going to be held liable.

Or are you just full of hot air?

Hey, I have a great idea! Why don't you give me YOUR address now? We can be pen pals! Bye for now, sweetiekins.

P.P.S. Who's being "malignant" here?

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I would not waste my time on you, misguided fool. Do you think it important to continue sending inane and expansive e-mails? I gather you have nothing better to do. A few final words: Bush is not Hitler. Conservatives are not evil. Rooting out terrorism is just. The trouble is, by virtue of your mindset and indoctination, you see none of this. Hence, your failure to see the relevance of Clinton and other P.C. lefties. The "peace protesters" here in NYC were anything but peaceful. Get a grip and write someone who cares about what you may have to say. Reason is as foreign to you and your ilk as is common sense and decency

SLMLAWNYC

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SLMLAWNYC,

Oh.

I get it.

You've been *projecting* the whole time.

That's why you make odd defenses against imagined slights that were never made. Of course Bush is not Hitler, and we refuse appeals to sell stickers on this site that would say so. And we never say that conservatives are evil -- in fact, the whole problem with Bushite conservatives is their whole obsession with dividing the world into evil and good. Do you spend a lot of time looking for evil? Looking for traitors? Really what's going on is that you're looking for the imagined Hitlers out to get you, right?

You threatened to beat me up because you feel scared and small, right? Worried about people out to get you, right? So you get all cocky 'til someone calls you on it, then you retreat into your shell with a "would not waste my time" comment. Typical bully behavior.

You imagined that I was less educated than you because you harbor some insecurity about not having enough education, right?

You tossed out the "P.C." insult because you're overly familiar with wanting to shut people up, right?

You keep calling me maggot, stupid, loser, fool, etc. because you worry that's what you are.

You ask me to stop writing you because secretly you yearn to stop writing what you're putting out there. You wrote me, not the other way around. You chose to read Irregular Times in the first place. I think you DO care. I think you're looking for a way out.

I think you lash out at the liberals because it drives you batty that there are some people out there who can handle fear, who don't feel the need to go punch or bomb people who scare them. That must really bug you.

I'm going to stop asking you to answer my questions, because it's clear that you have neither the desire or ability to do so. What I am going to do is suggest that you get professional help, or at least stop for a minute, read what you've written, and think about it.

Sincerely wishing you well in spite of your inappropriate vitriol,

Theo.

[At this point, SLMLAWNYC stopped writing back substantive e-mails and started threatening to sue me. What a sweetie.]



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