IRREGULAR TIMESSpin Wars:
The Lying Liar Strikes Back

We've already reported on the extraordinary story behind the release of Al Franken's number one bestseller Lies, and the Lying Liars Who Tell Them: A Fair and Balanced Look at the Right. We informed you of the frivolous lawsuit brought by Fox News lawyers and instigated by Bill O'Reilly, the host of a tabloid TV program on the Fox News channel. It seems that Fox News and Bill O'Reilly wanted to censor Al Franken's book, stopping it from ever getting to the shelves of bookstores, because the book makes Fox News and Bill O'Reilly look like clowns. It turns out that Fox News and Bill O'Reilly didn't need any help looking like clowns. Their lawsuit was literally (yes, we mean literally) laughed out of court.

However, one part of this scandal of silliness we didn't tell you about is that Bill O'Reilly is going to be coming out with a book of his very own later this fall. No, we're not talking about that other book O'Reilly published, the one that Al Franken showed was full of lies and half-truths. That book consisted almost completely of O'Reilly's ultra-conservative spin on current events, yet was entitled "The No Spin Zone". Was this title an attempt at sarcasm?

We don't know what stroke of mis-genius was behind Bill O'Reilly's last book, or his lawsuit against Al Franken, but we're ready to move on. In the interest of a fair and balanced coverage of the Franken-O'Reilly row, we're reviewing O'Reilly's new book even before it reaches the shelves of America's bookstores.

This new O'Reilly book promises to be updated, dealing with current events, which means it is guaranteed to blame Bill Clinton for everything that has gone wrong since George W. Bush began his occupation of the White House.

Hey fraternity brothers! Attention sorority sisters! Have we got a drinking game for you! Take Bill O'Reilly's new book to the bar with some friends. Every time he mentions one of the Clintons (yes, cheap shots at Chelsea count too), you take a drink. Be careful, though - you could quickly become dangerously intoxicated. We don't encourage binge drinking, so we suggest that you divide the book into thirds, or quarters, or chapters, depending on your level of tolerance to a mixture of alcohol and conservative vitriol.

What's the name of Bill O'Reilly's new book? Well, it hasn't been officially released yet, but luckily, we got an advance copy from a secret source within Fox News. It's kind of a first draft that we were able to review as a sneak peek of the final book.

It's entitled, Blah, Blah, Blah, and Blah: The Blah of Blah and If You Disagree With Me, You're a Traitor.

We were intrigued with this unorthodox title, so we phoned Bill O'Reilly for a follow-up interview. Explaining the title of his book, O'Reilly said, "Blah, blah, blah. Bill Clinton got oral sex. Blah, blah, blah. United We Stand! Blah. Blah, blah, blah, blah. I'm outraged! Blah, blah, blah. Blah!"

How post-modern! It appears that Bill O'Reilly is aware of the absurdity of his public persona, and so has taken to re-creating his on-air personality as an ironic commentary about a system of corporate media that would promote extremist reactionary opinion as news fit for mass consumption. With his new book, Blah, Blah, Blah, and Blah, Bill O'Reilly tips his artistic hand even more, showing us the genius of the man who has single-handedly deconstructed the concept of "truth", using mass media as his canvas.

And so, it is no surprise that Bill O'Reilly fails to fulfill the many promises he has made to his loyal viewing and listening audience. For example, back on March 18, 2003, before Bush's war began, Mr. O'Reilly made a promise on national television. He said, referring to the "truth" of Iraqi weapons of mass destruction,

"If the Americans go in and overthrow Saddam Hussein and it's clean, he has nothing, I will apologize to the nation, and I will not trust the Bush Administration again."

The Bush Administration has had many months now to find just one little itty bitty weapon of mass destruction. They've found absolutely nothing. The American people, in the meantime, have found out that much of the Bush Administration's so-called "evidence" for an Iraqi threat was knowingly based upon forgeries, exaggerations, hearsay, and lies.

Those outside the literary community might insist that Bill O'Reilly offer up that apology to the nation, and admit to us all that the time has come when even he can no longer trust the Bush Administration. However, they'd be missing the point. We who understand literary form can see as plain as day that Bill O'Reilly never believed the Bush Administration in the first place. He was just making an artistic statement about ontology in a public relations age.

Bravo, Mr. O'Reilly! You are the paramount literary performance artist of our day!

Can we suggest a new ironic artistic project for you, Mr. O'Reilly? How about you apply for a grant from the National Endowment for the Arts that you would use to write another book condemning the National Endowment for Arts? We think that'd be quite consistent with the body of work you've assembled so far.



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