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irregular times logo"Elect a Professional": Poofy the Clown Declares Presidential Candidacy

-- William E. Winn, ALEXANDRIA, VA December 11, 2003

In a downtown schoolyard packed with freezetag afficionados and flying kickballs, Poofy the Clown declared his intention Wednesday to run for President of the United States. While Mr. the Clown is a relatively late entrant to the 2004 presidential race compared to his Republican and Democratic competitors, he has the advantage of being able to avoid a bruising primary battle due to his status as the sole member of the Surprise Party. "My friends, three years ago George W. Bush promised us a 'funner America', but that promise has not been kept. Where is the fun in an Orange Alert that isn't played off against a garish Fuschia? And as dozens of clowns across the nation can tell you, there aren't any laughs trying to get oversized shoes through an airport scanner. The heartland needs a good slap upside the head right now, and I've got just the herring for it!"

Considering the lackluster media attention a possible Poofy candidacy has attracted, he has done rather well, capturing the lead in two straw polls conducted during stops of the Wrangling Brothers Circus in Paducah, Kentucky and Hackensack, New Jersey. This is despite criticism of the Clown's happy-go-lucky attitude. Remarked former Senator Bob Dole at the Alexandria Golden Corral after the "Poofy Presidency" press conference, "How do you think Putin would react if he shook Bush's hand and got shocked by a Joy Buzzer?" Responding to these charges, Poofy the Clown proclaimed, "I want to be judged on my character," before squirting the press corps with his lapel flower.

"I think such incidents are irrelevant," said Stew "Beany" Davis, who acts both as campaign manager and partner in Mr. the Clown's flying-burrito act. "Poofy has already demonstrated his ability to captivate an audience, and mobilizes the often underappreciated Cheez Whiz constitutency. People out there are looking for a candidate who looks like them, someone with absolutely no political experience, knowledge, interest or aptitude. Poofy is well positioned to be the real outsider candidate for 2004."

With important endorsements from Max Factor cosmetics and the Mt. Bayard Pickle Company already wrapped up, Mr. the Clown is taking momentum into the next election year. But the strongest force behind his push for election may come from the final words of his announcement speech: "They call it the Silly Season for a reason, you know. We've always had clowns in the White House. Why not elect a professional?"

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