irregular guy IRREGULAR TIMES

Rescue The Rich

This morning, as I poked through the pages of the New York Times Magazine, I came upon the above advertisement for U.S. Trust, whose mission is "to preserve and enhance the wealth of affluent individuals and their families."

The text of the ad continues:

Face it.

You have more dependents, more possessions, more investments, more taxes, more responsibilities, and more to lose. Yet you're expected to fight your way through a zillion e-mails and voice mails each day, just trying to hang on to your sanity, your ideal weight and your quality time with your family.

How can you explain to other people the fear that your children might never need to work? Or the incredible pressure of trying to protect a lifetime's worth of missed weekends and vacations? And then, of course, who would believe that all that money could ever feel like a burden than a blessing?

We would.

Gosh. Before I read this ad, I never knew how tough it must be when you're filthy rich. I must have just been selfish when I muttered under my breath at not being able to pay rent on time. I suppose my brother, who has been laid off and is trying to support his wife and kids while looking for work, is on Easy Street compared to the pitiable wealthy.

But now I have been properly sensitized and, by gum, I think we all should do something about it! We need to relieve the rich of their burden. Share the pain, that's what I say! We'll take their money, although it will hurt us more than it hurts them.

You, citizen, can make the committment right now to end the suffering of the rich. Fill out the form below to send an automatic letter to U.S. Trust with your offer. I'm sure they'll appreciate your gesture and - who knows? - they might even take you up on your considerate offer.

Dear Folks at U.S. Trust,
I understand from recent advertisements that your company is trying to help people who are burdened by their money. How giving of you. I, too, feel their pain, and I want to help. If money is causing your clients so much pain, I am prepared to accept the mantle of civic responsibility and relieve their burden. Please direct your clients to send a certified check to me at the address below. I am willing to accept as much monetary burden as your suffering clients feel the need to relieve themselves of. It'll be tough, but I'll just have to manage somehow. I'm just happy to do my part to make the world a more comfortable place for the tortured rich.


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