The Ribald Reign of King George the Second

The Rigged, Rigged Election

a parody by Monk13 of Lewis Carroll's "The Aged Aged Man"

I'll tell thee all I can
Of the voting imperfections
I saw a stupid, stupid man
Who rigged an election
"Who are you, stupid man?" I said
"And how did you win?"
And his response swam through my head
As he confessed his sin

He said, "I rely on butterflies
Ballots at that
And elder Jews' bad eyes
That tricked them into voting for Pat
Then I reject votes that miss the deadline
Only by an hour
And if all of this goes fine
That's how I will get in power"

But I was thinking of a plan
To get the office for Gore
For the Prez should be the man
That got half a million more
Incensed by the dumb man's grin
And what he had just said
I cried, "Come tell me how did you win?"
And smacked him on the head

His slurred speech then took up the tale
He said, "I have my ways,
This plan I had surely wouldn't fail
I would keep folks from voting by blocking roadways
And even though Jesse Jackson
Would yell and whine
Nothing would get done
For the Supreme Court was mine"

But I was thinking of a plan
To put Gore in the White House
And Mr. and Mrs. Lieberman
And Tipper; Mr. Gore's spouse
I knew I could not allow
The dumb man to get in
For he just sat and furrowed his brow
When I yelled, "Come tell me how did you win?"

He said, "the GOP
Sent out protesters highly paid
And with the help of me
Recounts stopped in Miami-Dade
And so the counting it did stop
And the place got more quiet
The canvassing board ignored the flop
For fear of a repub riot"

"So now I can steal my way into office
Through all my illegal actions
And now no one can stop us
Me and my Right-Wing factions
And that's the way' (he gave a wink)
By which I get my wealth --
And very gladly will I drink
To their Honors' noble health"

I heard him then
And I felt a horrible dejection
I knew he would win
By stealing this election
I thanked him then for telling me
How he stole Al Gore's win
But he was off all a-toddle
Toasting Scalia's health with a shot of gin

And now if ever I choose
To vote again
I will punch the whole chad through
So the wrong man won't win
This tragedy has cost me
A whole bunch of sleep
And when I see him I worry
And then I weep

Because it reminds me so
Of the dumb man I used to know
Whose look was mild, and speech was slow
Whose coke he snorted was white as snow
Whose brain was as absent as the scarecrow
Who when drunk would stumble to and fro
And muttered mumblingly and low
As if his mouth were full of dough
That November election long ago
Down in Orlando

Additional absurdities straight from His Majesty's Royal T-ball Field can also be found at the official website of The Ribald Reign of King George the Second.

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