The other day, I was sitting in my easy chair, reading the local
paper, when a familiar face jumped out at me from a half-page
advertisement. It seems that Rush Limbaugh has recently expanded his
corporate empire to match his ever-expanding physical empire. The man is
Mr. Limbaugh has christened his product line "No Boundaries Ties",
in bold reference to his radio and television broadcasts. Big, bold,
colorful and splashy, these ties truly know no boundaries, just like Rush
himself. Mr. Limbaugh represents all that is great about America: the
courage to stand up to Chelsea Clinton, the boldness to defend the victimized IBM, AT&T, GE and Martin-Marietta from the onslaughts of the homeless and dispossessed, the personal sacrifice he makes every day in
the name of truth, fairness and justice. "They're All
Power Ties", says Rush. How could you disagree?
I think that Macy's, Robinsons-May and Dillards,
tasteful department stores that offer Mr. Limbaugh's No Boundaries Ties,
are really onto something here. The wacky wit, rougish charm and
neverending charity that characterize Rush so well are sure to rub off on
these stores and improve their image. But why stop with ties? Taking
the "No Boundaries" line to heart, I humbly suggest the following
additions to their celebrity product lines. I'm sure they'll fit in.
- Marge Schott's No Boundaries Baseball
Tired of using the same old mitts, balls and bats and getting the same old
results? This new line of baseball equipment, personally designed by
Marge Schott of the Cincinnati Reds, is sure to make a difference in
your gameplay. With a MargeMitt, you may not be guaranteed to catch
every fly ball, but you sure will catch a lot of flak. Use a MargeBall
at the mound and all kinds of strange and interesting things will be
pitched forth. To complete the set, slip a MargeBat into your
opponents' hands and they will be sure to foul out, although they may
be good in the beginning. Finally, just in case a bench-clearing brawl
breaks out, be sure to consult the Marge Schott Etiquette Guide and
learn the appropriate thing to say when you're bashing your opponent's
- David Duke's No Boundaries Eveningwear.Mr. Duke's
fine line of eveningwear is led by a rich, luxuriant terrycloth robe with
hood attached. Sorry, white only.
- Phyllis Schlafly's No Boundaries Lingerie.
Ms. Schlafly specializes in corsets and padded bras to enhance and
augment the feminine figure. The No Boundaries corset provides a valuable
workout to the lungs as its wearer tries to breathe while tending house
and children in her natural, God-given role. Available soon: the No
Boundaries chastity belt.
- Tom Metzger's No Boundaries Sportswear.
You'll be ready for anything and anybody when you're wearing these! Back
from prison, this plucky neo-nasty has designed his own line of casual
wear, including the ever-popular brown shirt and steel-toed boots. Buy
now and you'll receive free of charge a trip to the No Boundaries Hair
Salon, where you can try out our newest shaved and sassy hairstyle. And
remember, if you can't find the "Sieg Heil" insignia, it's not a Metzger!
- The G. Gordon Liddy No Boundaries Pen-Light
Just the thing for late-night jaunts through secret files with your
friends! Buy two or more and get a free shovel and bag of manure from
the No Boundaries Home and Garden Department, just the thing for covering
up unsightly blemishes on your record or your lawn.
Rush Limbaugh's No Boundaries Ties are sold only in the finest department
stores that cater to the cream of society: Macy's,
Robinsons-May, and Dillards. If you'd like to give them a call, drop
them a note or send an e-mail message congratulating them on their excellent
taste, expressing how eager you are to continue shopping with them, or
perhaps even suggesting some additions to their fine wares, I'm sure they'll appreciate
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