Irregular Times
TRUE Urban Legends

This is very very very very very serious.
Stop smiling.

Irregular Jonathan received the following alarming notice last night. We know it to be true because the email had been sent to a large number of people before it reached us. Please pay attention to the recommendations given by these experts. They may save your manhood.

Dr. Alan Soapman from the National Institutes of Computer Health announced yesterday that a new computer virus has been reported in Department of Defense computers and may have already spread to related sites. Indications are that this may be the most serious computer virus ever to have struck the United States.

The virus, which has been dubbed "Hell No, We Won't Go", or HNWWG for short, is introduced to new hard drives through email. Once it self-installs, the virus replaces all files with a radical manifesto demanding that the U.S. government stop training young men to kill people and drawing a tenuous link between the glorification of such training and the prevalence of violence in civilian American society. A related strain of the virus replaces files with a graphic of a round, yellow, smiling face with beady eyes and no nose.

The virus can be prevented from entering your computer through the following actions:
  1. NEVER open any email messages that contain the following words or phrases in their titles:
    "read this or you're fired"
    "feeling lonely tonight"
    "please reply"
    "where are you?"
    "don't you love me anymore?"
    "fine, be that way. See if I care."

  2. Do NOT join any branch of the United States military. If you feel the desire to do so, go home, close all the blinds, and think peaceful thoughts. There is reason to believe that the military and militaristic civilians are the specific targets of this virus.

  3. Send the following message through email to Microsoft (any office will do):
    Please help me. I desperately want to use Microsoft's Internet Explorer as an internet browser, but it didn't come preinstalled on my computer. Given the awkward procedure for installation of anything on a Windows 95 system, I am afraid to try to get the Explorer software separately. Please please won't you do something so that these computer manufacturers will submit to the will of the people and install all of your software, including the Internet Explorer, on their computers before they are shipped out to stores and consumers? I beg you, do something! America is counting on you, Microsoft. Don't let us down.
  4. Forward this email message to everyone that you know.

Dr. Soapman also stated the need for computer owners to remain calm. As long as everybody follows the recommendations listed above, we will all be safe from this virus. Rest assured that the proper authorities will find out who is behind this latest round of electronic terrorism and ensure that the dastardly villains are punished for the pain that they have inflicted upon us all.

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