news unfit to print News Update From the Vatican:

Hippies Create "New Age" Alternative to Christianity!

- Pope John Paul seeks to keep Catholics up to date -

In a shocking revelation of a completely new trend, the Vatican issued a report to its cardinals, bishops, priests and lay members, informing them of the development of an alternative spiritual movement that threatens Christianity. This recent movement, which only a select few have yet heard of, is called the New Age.

In the report, conservatively entitled Jesus Christ the Bearer of the Water of Life: A Christian Reflection on New Age, the Vatican brings previously unheard of information about the New Age movement to light. For example, the report tells Catholics of a large countercultural gathering popularly known as "Woodstock". The Vatican report also takes special note of a new musical called "Hair", that it believes is being used by religious liberals to spread messages that contradict the teachings of the Catholic Church.

The Vatican explained that the report on the New Age movement was issued with a special rushed publication date of February 4, 2003 so that Catholics encountering New Age ideas could make informed decisions in a timely manner. "We just wanted to get the information out as quickly as possible, to protect the souls of the faithful," explained a top Vatican staffer who asked to remain anonymous because of his battles with demonic spirits. "Above all else, the Catholic Church is an up-to-date organization, leading its members as they deal with new issues like women's right to vote."

the odd clockThe Vatican report on the New Age movement is latest in a series of documents that seeks to confirm the role of the Catholic Church as a relevant force in young people's lives. Last year, the Vatican released a report on the threat of communist infiltrators in Hollywood's movie studios. That report was followed a few months later by a discussion of the implications of the controversial new audience participation techniques recently pioneered by morning TV talk show host Phil Donahue.

Later this year, the Pope will release a study on Disco. Although the details of the report have not yet been made public, it is believed that the Vatican will allow young Catholics to go to discos, so long as they restrict their dancing movements to below the knees and above the waist. Although the Pope has been concerned that disco lyrics could contradict Catholic dogma, American bishops have noted that almost no one can understand the words anyway.

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