The Ribald Reign of King George the Second

Ye Olde Want Ads:


Hiring Helpers for King George the Second

Now that George W. Bush has officially inherited the throne from his father to become King George II, he's got a lot to do but with very little time on his hands. Luckily, our boy King has more money than ever. We, the chroniclers of his ribald reign can see that he needs to hire some help. With consideration for his strengths and weaknesses, personal tastes and policy goals, we've drawn up the following want ads for the approval of His Highness.

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HELP WANTED

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Royal Conjugator

We is in need of a dedicated individual who is able to keep the difference between singular and plural straight. Duties will include correcting Bush statements such as "Is our children learning?" Required: a middle-school education.

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Court Vocabulizer

Is the King the "Commander-in-Chief" or the "Commanderator-in-Chief"? Confronting daily spelling connundrums like this is all part of the work to be done by the Court Vocabulizer. Required: a dictionary.

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Reading Regent

As a private citizen, if you have a distaste for reading, that's your own business - there's always something on TV. As our new King, however, George W. Bush is expected to encourage others to read by being well-read himself. Of course, given his busy schedule of photo-opportunities, he can't really be expected to read much on his own. That's where the reading regent for King George the Second will come in, reading all the important books so that the King doesn't have to do it himself, then meeting with him on a weekly basis to tell him what he should think about each book. Required: ability to summarize complex information in the form of simple sentences.

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Wise-Use Environmental Consultant

The King has recently spilled a 50-gallon drum of plutonium gel all over his bedroom floor. In order to deal with this problem, the Court is seeking a wise-use environmental consultant. Duties: in cooperation with the Environmental Protection Agency and the Department of the Interior, determine whether cleaning up the plutonium would interfere with business interests. Required: business school education

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Federal Judge of Religious Merit

Join the King's Federal Office of Faith-Based Action in its mission to funnel public money into churches. You, as an official representative of the federal government, will decide which religious groups are worthy of funding and which churches lack the proper vision. Required: knowledge of what's best for everybody else.

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Park Lands Auctioneer

The King's predecessor, who interrupted the Bush Dynasty, believed in the radical idea of democracy. In accordance with this rebellion, his administration held that public lands belonged to the people. King George the Second, on the other hand, believes that all public lands belong to the King himself and are his to use as he wishes. Your duties will include auctioning off national parks, monuments and refuges to the highest bidder, encouraging logging, mining, oil drilling, cattle ranching, hunting, road building, concessions and corporate management on all public lands. Required: an aesthetic appreciation for asphalt and concrete.

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Court Jester

No vacancies. The duties of this position have been taken on by the King.

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Of course, this is just a sample of the want ads that could be produced for our new King. There's a great deal of employment opportunity in the new administration. Naturally, labor union organizers need not apply.



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