This week, scientists from the East Paloma Archaeological Research Center revealed the discovery of an authentic Stone Age man who they believe to be at least fifteen thousand years old.
The man identifies himself as Ziporloch dun Kruchlitzhetet, but those acquainted with him have shortened his name due to an initial severe loss of phlegm in their attempts to pronunciate his full name. They just call him Zippy the Caveman.
Zippy the Caveman was initially sighted in the electronics section of a Sears department store outside of Lincoln, Nebraska, watching Fox News and shaking his head. A week later, he was seen standing on top of a newspaper vending machine in San Antonio, swinging his club at anyone who attempted to buy a copy.
When investigators asked him how he travelled so far in such a short amount of time, Zippy replied, "Me take public transportation." Zippy has also explained how he has managed to live such a long time without being discovered, explaining, "Me take nap in Republican section of cave library. Republicans no read much. Long nap."
However, Zippy's favorite topic of conversation is the 2004 presidential election. In fact, it seems to be almost the only thing that Zippy regards as worthy of discussion.
Zippy the Caveman's intense interest in the 2004 election first became evident when he was first taken into custody. He was observed by police officers in Missoula, Montana shouting at passers-by from a park bench near a playground, hooting, "Bush bad man!"
When approached by police officers, Zippy continued shouting. "You listen. Me elder. Bush bad man!" Zippy was then subdued with pepper spray and handcuffs, but authorities claim that he gave one police officer a very bad splinter in the process.
After one month of imprisonment, Zippy was declared by John Ashcroft not to be a threat to homeland security, and was released into the protective custody of the East Paloma archaeologists.
Zippy currently resides in a special research facility in Denver. His environment is engineered to simulate Ice Age conditions in central Asia, which apparently included a thriving journalistic tradition. Zippy spends most of his time publishing a newsletter under the title Bush Bad Man News. The newsletter includes a column on stone toolmaking technologies, in order to give readers a break from all the politics, Zippy explains. One installment of the column, "Bang Flint Hard Make Fire", has earned Zippy a nomination for a Pulitzer Prize.
When asked to explain his strong opposition to Bush's re-election, Zippy has said, "Me have experience. Me wise. Me fifteen thousand years old. Me know saber tooth tiger when me see one. Bush bad man!"
Do we trust Zippy's great experience, despite his bad grammar? Well, we figure that George W. Bush's own grammar problems cancel out Zippy's flaws. Besides, if the alternative to believing Zippy is believing Bush, we know who to choose. We'll pick experience over zealotry any day.
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